We have arrived

Well we made it to Ada, Oklahoma. Ironically we are not in Ada right now but in Norman for the unveiling of the new Wesley Foundation Wing, but we will be back tomorrow. Life is full of crazy changes and my house is overwhelming full of boxes and crumpled up newspaper that is out of control like a whole bunch of fluffy gray rabbits overtaking our house. I'm trying to corral them, with some but little success.

Our new house is so big, so much more house than we need or should be heating/cooling. Please do not misunderstand I am so thankful for those who have blessed us with a dry and comfortable place to live but it does not feel like a Leanne and Kel house, and since it's somewhat temporary it won't because I won't do too much to make it so. So I am in limbo and trying desperately to make peace with it. I think I will manage. Ada is also a small town and I prefer a metro type area, but I am trying to make peace with that too. We have a lot to figure out, a lot a lot.

So there is your update, boxes and limbo with small glimmers of hope on the horizon.

Sad Day

Today was beautifully sad. I left my job today, my first big girl job. Or what I felt was my first big girl job. I had an office, I had business cards, I had a list of things to do each day that for the most part I really enjoyed. Most of all however, I had people that I really loved to work with. Barb, Tammy, Tammy, Julia and Meghan all became my support group over the last year or less. In a Kentucky where I felt lonely a lot of the time there was this amazing group of women I got to work with, learn from and laugh with.

We all cried today, because separation is hard, bonds that are strengthened obviously don't want to be severed. I loved my spot because I had one, it was mine and I owned it with all the reality I could throw at it, I gave it my heart, my wit, my smiles, it was my spot.

Now I am inbetween spots, tomorrow I am sleeping in Memphis. Right now I am still in Wilmore but my spot (my house) is a crazy mine field of boxes, rubbermade tubs, and the sight of things still to be done. And to top it off somehow a moth has gotten in. Great. All I need is a moth.

I know that great things await around the corner, and someday soon and very soon I will have positive blogs to write. (damn moth) But for now may I just say, I am tired of being transitional, transplanted, and trans.... ported.

"The Happy Camper"

Right now I am wearing my springhill camp happy camper shirt.  This seemed somewhat ridiculous when I put it on but why not, it's a comfy available option.  It's not the t-shirt that is inappropriate but the message as I feel nor look anything like a happy camper.  It's like the equivalent of seeing a environmentalist driving an hummer, they look they are betraying themselves.  My t-shirt betrays me, its laughable, but enough about the t-shirt.   

I moving through the ends and beginnings of my life.  I am rolling with the punches.  I am all the optimistic turns of phrase your grandma used to encourage you during your adolescence.  I'm keeping my chin up (there's another one for ya) because it's realistically the only option.

Yesterday I wanted to go greek and break plates.  I only have six left I might as well finally put an end to what used to be a full set of fabulous turquoise crate and barrel dishes.  Yesterday I wanted to writhe in pain, turn back the clock, change things, drink wine or microbrewed beer with my friends and revel in the comfort that they would have with my raw self, my tears, and my ridiculous pessimism.  We would eat luxurious food in a dimly lit spot and laugh and cry about families and pets and new zip codes.  This is just not meant to be, last night was lonely, but it felt like a soft hoodie for my soul.

So it's all changing and some great stuff is ending, but some more great stuff is just beginning and i am trying to (insert your clever platitude here) 

life is beautiful, and don't let me forget it, so when you see me encourage me, remind me of the good, the upcoming and the exciting.

Thanks in advance.

Tov

My small and beautiful hedgehog passed away this morning. I am full of grief and loss to an overwhelming degree considering Tov's size and the time he was in our lives. The accident happened a few weeks ago and it seemed certain he would pull through. He had a whole mess of fight in him, but it seems as though the extent of his burns exhausted him and he just couldn't fight any longer. I will miss the way he picked up on any smell that had happened in our house that day from Basil to coffee he was interested in tasting all smells. I miss the rare nights when he would fall asleep on the crook of my or Kel's arm, with eyes drooping shut like a child. At this point in my post you may be thinking, they loved that little rodent too much, you may think we are acting like yuppies being too frivolous with our pets. Well for one Tov was no rodent but an insectivore and for two the Pennys don't just love, we love the lives we come in contact with, deep and hard. It hurts us badly sometimes but we love you with this same love and this is something to be celebrated. We fought for Tov with our time, money and hearts. Part of me feels the relief of not having his feeding and care consume my day, and then the other part of me is guilty and nauseated because thos feelings exist.

I hate being in our office right now and seeing Tov's habitat sitting empty, we're washing his cage liners and packing it all up for maybe another hedgie someday. But today I just want to cry over Tov, the unfairness of it all, the fight it seemed like we were winning and the agony of this surprise defeat. I cry when I think about driving the Saturn and mine being the only life inside. I imagined having him in his cage in the back seat, I would harass him by making him sit on my lap, he wouldn't appreciate the sun but he would snuggle in the folds of my shirt and fall asleep.

I want to be angry, I want to weep loudly, I miss my little kiwi and all the memories we made with him seem so vibrant and razor sharp today. I am sick of grieving the loss of things in my life, I want a grieving season to be over, for a while.

But life in all of its celebrations is only as rich as it is because the highs are only sweet because we have tasted the bitters of the valleys. I feel like almost every single thing in my life is dying, my friendships back home, my sense of home, my pets, my job, my address, they are all fading. Today I don't feel the birth of something new and I long to feel it, today I only feel death. The death of a house full of boxes and an empty cage where there should be a sleeping ball of quills which has a place in my heart.

Surprising September

If you would have told me in August that I would be spending my first Saturday alone after Kel left for work drinking coffee I would have not been surprised in the least. If you would have told me that I would be spending it drinking coffee with a hallway full of boxes to be filled for our impending move to Oklahoma, and that by blogging and drinking coffee I was being slightly delinquent in feeding and medicating our pet hedgehog who is down to three feet and cost more than rent this month, I would have certainly been surprised. ( I know that is a run on sentence, just deal).

I have so much on my mind and I feel like I flat out have to much to do to get ready for this. On top of which I can't really wrap my mind around it all, it doesn't really compute that I am moving to Oklahoma in 2.5 weeks, not really at all. But it does certainly seem to be inevitable, so we press on.

I should stop being deliquent with Tov and try to get him to eat and take his medicine, he hasn't pooped in days that is the new worry. I hope he does, I don't even care if he does it on me I just want him to do it.

Bye for now.