Blades of Grass

Life can somehow feel completely overwhelming, like when I sit and think about all that needs to be done before baby girl Penny arrives in May (most likely June if you ask me- Due May 31) Things like...

1) A mini Van or larger vehicle
2) a rocking chair
3) bedding for her crib
4) Bottles to drink out of
5) Clothes so she's not naked at least some of the time
6) a sink tub to stay clean in
7) A mom who feels prepared for all this!! :-)
8) Paint and some pretties in her bedroom
9) Pack n play to sleep on the go

I know there is more, I fear registering for a shower... Eek!!! :-)

But I am really trying to give it all over to God and just trust that he IS in control of every detail, from mini vans to onesies to my heart's preparedness to be a mom.

I am still crazy lonely for community here in Ada, we have a church home that helps and I really like a lot of the women that attend. Now I just have to stalk them and make them my friends! Not really, I know it's all a process that takes circa a year or more. I have small worries like, what if no one comes to see me after the baby is born? What if I need face to face Mom advice and no one wants to help. I just want someone to want... me. You know? We all feel that, the need to enter a room and have someone go Oh look (hugs) YAY! It's you!!! I lack that belongingness that I so deeply need here in Ada. And it will come, like all the other provisions that I have needed that have always been filled.

Not to mention March is coming up and with that brings all the sadness of four years ago when my world was torn apart and then slowly reconstructed. I hate march, I was telling Kel last night that March is the month where I just can't shake how much it sucks. For me it's not Christmas or his Birthday, although Christmas comes with sharp pains of its own, but not like March. I want to be around family this March, to be with them because I know they miss Dad like I miss Dad. Or to be with the friends who held me up at the funeral, not try to explain this raw Dad-missing emotion to a new set of people. Twice removed, with more akwardness.

But for now it's still February and I think I will make my world famous waffles, regardless of how guilty I feel because they're not on Kel's diet plan. If we were in Michigan Grandpa would shove more waffles with more butter in front of him that I could possibly cook in Oklahoma so if I look at it that way, hey, we're coming out ahead??

Thanks for loving me, most likely from a distance. Right back at you I swear.

sweet timing

It is amazing how the right timing makes the good things in your life even better. As I lay here on the couch feeling my baby girl kick with my puppy asleep on my arm I am amazed at how happy and relaxed I am with my life. I keep hearing about how crazy people think all our new changes are but well, we are so content. Any of these things at other times in my life would have been, and have been so negative. But for now, my life is bliss. That's all really... sigh...