Packing

Sometimes it seems my life is this endless chain of packing. I never get to be in one place long and it is starting to wear on me. (hang on I have to rotate laundry in order to have clean stuff to pack) okay rotated. There are moments I simply can't wait to be home, most of them in fact. I prayed for this trip, thank God for answered prayers. I am however going to miss my Kel more than I can express. 13 days apart seems like a lifetime and a half. I was realizing as we were talking in the tub last night that he has become my best friend, the kind of best friend I can take birthday suit baths with. I still hold my girl bffs dearly but all this transition has certainly moved Kel into my best friend spot. Ada is so lonely without him, I still have yet to make a friend or even hang out one on one with anyone at all really, or even in a group. So without Kel this town is pretty gray. Although I am going to try to do more with my time here than I did during his last absence. I certainly need to tackle the garage. Maybe even the nursery, clean it up so we can start preparing it slowly for bebe's arrival. Ugh I need to be packing, Kel is doing the dishes and he will surely come out and expect me to be packed and yet I will blogging.

I should stop blogging when I am crabby. Its just that lately I feel as though I will never live up to my own expectations. They are so high. And when I don't jump through my incredibly high hoops I can't accept myself. This is terrifying. Just walking around your house feeling completely inadequate in every way. I blame myself for everyones problems, obviously mine but certainly Kels too.

I should just stop, Lord please in some new years miracle help me to find the ever elusive Grace for myself that you seem to have in spades. I hope. Help me to find some smile for Kel for tomorrow for the next week and two weeks and life. Help the child inside me to somehow feel love and peace despite the turmoil I feel in every organ and cell. Forgive me, love me, lead me through the fog that always seems to settle down on me.

Lifting up my heart

Clearly I am bad at being alone. Kel is gone until Thursday in Houston being refreshed I hope. And I am here, in Ada. Work keeps me busy but I long for community and a sense of belonging. These things take time but my heart keeps wandering back to Holidays past, and they all seem warmer and more exciting. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually worn out. I love our tree, I love my husband, we are hostessing Christmas this year, something I have always dreamed of! My heart is just not in it. I am reading through the Christmas story in my bible and I look over my pond in the mornings. I am trying to feel, more. I am sure It's all jus a result of being overwhelmed and that the numbness will go away. Tonight is just a Monday night, on the couch, with a microwave pizza. Not one exciting thing about it.

God, please awaken my heart, help it to overflow this season with gratitude. Give me eyes to see the moments that are small beautiful gifts of time and laughter with loved ones. My heart hurts with how much I miss my loved ones. Please fill it with love, new love, new traditions, a solidarity of this new family, and us-ness instead of what we are missing.

I lift it all up to you, and more that I can't communicate.

And now its dead.

So for the last week or so I have noticed our Christmas tree wilting and I have noticed that I couldn't smell it's evergreeny freshness. I have been checking the water line in the stand of course. Well yesterday I went to touch a branch and it snapped off in my hand. The whole thing had gone dry and crunchy! Two weeks until Christmas and our tree was completely dead! Geez... What a hassle! Kel researched it online and decided that perhaps if we cut some of the base it will start to suck up water, so we unscrewed it and tried to lift it from the stand, it was not al the way unscrewed so it got dusty sappy water all over teh velvet tree skirt and brand new carpet... yay! We finally got it unscrewed and I steadied it on a plastic bow while balancing myself up on the tv stand. He tried takin his leatherman (which has a small saw blade) to it for like ten minutes. He decided that is going to take forever so he unboxed his new curcular saw and put it together. I really didn't feel comfortable having him using the saw like that. And that wasn't working anyway so after 5 more minutes of using the leatherman saw on it he tried a hammer and chisel ( I have a ver inventive husband!) This caused a shower of dead needled and ornaments to cascade from the tree, creating a nice cover of needles all over our new living room floor. Finally we gave up, undecorated it, and threw it out on the back patio. Then we cleaned up the SIGNIFICANT aftermath and I finally sat down on the couch at 11:00 PM. I called Home Depot this morning and they are going to give us a brand new tree to replace it and we get to decorate for Christmas all over again! Yay!!! (not)

Just plain update

Well here I am on the couch Sunday night. With the smell of Christmas all around and the glow of the Christmas tree. We're watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition I am crying already.

Life has been beautiful lately, painful at moments, and then some epiphanies. Being pregnant is great, but also a struggle at moments. I am trying to redo how I define myself as successful. I can't weight my worth by being thin and sexy in that way. I have to re-figure worth to me in that way. I'm getting bigger and having a baby. My body is now beautiful in other ways. And I am working on being okay with that, but it's hard for me and I know that's hard for some people to understand.

I get to go home for Christmas, over the new year. I can't wait to step off the plane and see the faces of the people that I love. To just hug and laugh with those that I love.

I'm distracted but here are some updates. Love. Leanne

Finally Home

I really do finally feel home. I'm sitting in our new place, exhausted with a mug of homemade apple sauce just enjoying my new house. There are going to be so many memories in this place... It's small and beautiful in every way. We already cooked for friends and had people over to watch football and we haven't even slept here yet. When we do it we do it up big. Plus OU is in the midst of putting the screws to Texas Tech. Woo for that.

I finally feel like me again, I have a place to call home and it feels like home. It really feels like home. And it will only feel more so like home.

I have nothing else to say, I am totally at peace. I never want to leave. :-)

Tuesday Night Update.

Well here we are, Tuesday night. We are not in our house at all yet, although it's completely finished. Red tape will get you every time. There is a good chance that we will be able to move in this weekend. But we won't close until next week, but I suppose closings get pushed back often. Am I pissed??? I mean... I was supposed to be in last weekend and close last friday... but no dice. Whatever, it will close eventually...I hope. I know... it will...

The Penny's life is moving along otherwise. I am sitting on my couch after some Italian takeout from Papa Gjorgio's here in town. I also had a pudding cup. I'm trying to get my calcium intake up for bebe'. I am watching the biggest loser, which is pretty much my favorite show on air right now. I love top chef but we don't get bravo in Ada, or comedy central. Vicki is crazy, if you watch biggest loser you know what I mean... totally. We eat a lot of takeout these days, we are in transistion and our kitchen is barely functional for us so I don't really have to motivation to cook. Also I never know what my pregnant tastebuds want for dinner until the moment of eating, so takeout is a safer bet. We keep it healthy though.

Kel is in Norman right now, he will be there for the whole evening. So I am all solo tonight, which isn't so bad. The heat is out in our house, so I also went out to buy a space heater because I am frigging freezing. I might start working on some christmas cards. I am totally for sure going to crack on on NBC programming, so sue me, I know my brain would be better of with other things... lol... I'll get to those things.

Much Love to you reader.

Leanne

Big Beautiful Heartwrenching life

Kel and I may be back to sharing music and life again, we've been cheap and well we don't really get radio in ada, per say.

Life is and always will be a huge crazy mess, I think. This uncertainty may very well prove my opening statement to be true but, true or not there isn't much I can do about the tidiness of life. Not at the gut level anyway. I can put the scissors back in their correct place to reduce the "have a hanging sweater string and need to cut it on my way out the door" madness. But the straight up messiness and uncertainty of life. Right now I feel like I see where all the puzzle pieces of my life go. How they fit. Everything I ever wanted on the horizon, the the practically dawn horizon. Brand new house, career for kel, baby on the way, two respectable and functioning cars, no credit card debt, etc. Two days ago, with a perfect ultrasound picture in one hand and a cup of half-caf coffee in the other I sat at my breakfast table solo over a grapefruit and felt deeply and sickyl empty. I felt like the emtiness inside me extended out past the bottom of my feet, under the floorboards and halfway to china. I almost hit my knees, I would have killed to have a best friend to scoop me up, someone to make me laugh, to complete the part of me that feels so far away. Family. My family. They continue on without me in Michigan, i miss them and it physically hurts.

How in the midst of everything I thought I ever wanted do I feel so empty handed? I think I lost myself in all of it, in pulling stuff together, soul was sacrificed. I haven't been selfless, somehow in loosing myself I still managed to selfish. This is all starting to seem like a really tangled up necklace chain. You know when you want to wear a necklace and you realize that in the jewlery box it has somehow tied itself to another necklace in about 24 knots? The sort of knot mess when you are sure you have to send it to a knot specialist to ever be able to wear it again. In your despair you try a knot, and you cuss as the clasp gets caught up in 4 loops, but somehow it all comes apart in a neat pendant controlled straightness. And you put it on and run out the door feeling well accesorized.

I am just taking this tangled mess of metal out of the jewlery box and realizing I have to undo a whole bunch of knots. But in all honesty I shall be wearing my shiny diamondy soul soon. But today, with hope on the horizon I feel like I have a mess again.

Sorry about all the bad metaphors. Will you still be my friend? What if I left these cool lyric ex excerpts?

"So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone"

"What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilage to carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!"

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

How Easily I crack myself up, how could I not be a new Hedgehog owner... I love the little fellows. You have your hobbies and I have mine. :-)

Oh It's all new.

Well it's all new, everything. I had this thought as I was folding clothes today, no more uniforms for either of us. That's quite nice. Kel can wear whatever he wants to work, and he does. I started today at the bank and most of my clothes are perfectly perfect for the job. I start training at the WalMart branch tomorrow. That won't be permanent, I'll be at a new branch as soon as it opens which will be nice since I hate WalMart and working there forevers would be... suckity.

Our house will be ready on November 14, I can't wait until it's ready, there will be so much to do when we get in. Decorating and landscaping (next spring though) and all sorts of other things.

And for those who don't already know, I am pregnant and expecting a bebe, who we call bebe next spring... probably like June 1. I have my first visit to the doctor on Nov 3, it was supposed to be this Thurs but insurance doesn't click in until Nov 1 so, Nov 3 it is!

Things are alright right now, I just feel inbetween with the house thing, but that's minimal.

We had a fantastic weekend with the Hensons, I love them, they are simply wonderful. I feel at home when I am over there and it's just such a peaceful reflaxing breeze. This weekend was also Kel's birthday and it was wonderful to be with friends and family over tasty food, when tasty food feels good in my tummy, and it doesn't always feel that way.

Well that is my random update.

Great new breakfast recipe

Alright, this may be strange but I would like to integrate some recipes I love into my blog. Because I love cooking and healthy eating and sharing is good stuff. I came up with this because I had some left over Neufchatel Cream Cheese from a pasta primavera we made Tuesday. And I bought two packages of flat out wraps this week because I had a coupon. Also I can't stand always having just ceral every day, I've got to mix it up. If you have not yet tried the flat out wraps I highly recommend them. They are generally displayed somewhere in your deli area. They have a significant amount of fiber and protein and are very soft. So I got creative and this is what I came up with, they were VERY tasty. Sorry, Jill I already realize this is not for the lactose intolerant :-(

Breakfast Apple Wraps (serves 2)
This recipe can very obviously be doubled, etc to fit the number you are feeding
2 Whole Grain Flat out wraps (or other whole wheat tortilla)
1 Apple, thinly sliced (your favorite type)
4 Tbsp Neufchatel Cream Cheese (or other low fat Cream Cheese)
2 Tbsp Chopped Walnuts
2 Tsp of Cinnamon Sugar mix

Cut up your apple into thin slices, peel the slices and set aside. Spread the soft cheese onto the wraps, 1 Tbsp on each leave the bottom inch bare. Add your apples evenly to each wrap. Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar mixture onto each wrap over the apples. Sprinkle on your walnuts and wrap each wrap up carefully by first folding up the left side and then rolling from bottom to top. You often need to tuck in a little excess wrap when you get to the top.

Serve immediately.
Calories 300
Protein 14g
Fiber 10g 55% DRV
Fat 18g 25% DRV

I did a basic caloric analysis on this recipe and it's low in calories for a full breakfast and fairly balanced giving you one grain, 1/2 fruit, and a good amount of fiber and protein right away in the morning. It does seem to be a lot of fat but most of that comes from the walnuts with is a healthy source of fat.

A big purchase

Well Guys, it may seem quick but we bought a house! We we are in Contract to buy it we don't close until Nov 14 but we are excited about the process. It is not yet finished, we get to pick out all the details ourselves, flooring and tile and wall color etc. It's pretty stinking exciting! It's on the outskirts of town on Homer Road and sits on a little over a half acre with a pond and some trees! I'm excited and ready to move in like yesterday. I am so happy to have a place to call permanent home for a while. To put down some roots and familiarize myself with its nooks and crannies, to sit on the back porch and watch the sunset and enjoy marshmallows over perhaps a chiminea? Plant a garden and flowers and watch the years grow them. Dear Lord bless our new home and all the exciting things that these new walls will see.

Yay.

We have arrived

Well we made it to Ada, Oklahoma. Ironically we are not in Ada right now but in Norman for the unveiling of the new Wesley Foundation Wing, but we will be back tomorrow. Life is full of crazy changes and my house is overwhelming full of boxes and crumpled up newspaper that is out of control like a whole bunch of fluffy gray rabbits overtaking our house. I'm trying to corral them, with some but little success.

Our new house is so big, so much more house than we need or should be heating/cooling. Please do not misunderstand I am so thankful for those who have blessed us with a dry and comfortable place to live but it does not feel like a Leanne and Kel house, and since it's somewhat temporary it won't because I won't do too much to make it so. So I am in limbo and trying desperately to make peace with it. I think I will manage. Ada is also a small town and I prefer a metro type area, but I am trying to make peace with that too. We have a lot to figure out, a lot a lot.

So there is your update, boxes and limbo with small glimmers of hope on the horizon.

Sad Day

Today was beautifully sad. I left my job today, my first big girl job. Or what I felt was my first big girl job. I had an office, I had business cards, I had a list of things to do each day that for the most part I really enjoyed. Most of all however, I had people that I really loved to work with. Barb, Tammy, Tammy, Julia and Meghan all became my support group over the last year or less. In a Kentucky where I felt lonely a lot of the time there was this amazing group of women I got to work with, learn from and laugh with.

We all cried today, because separation is hard, bonds that are strengthened obviously don't want to be severed. I loved my spot because I had one, it was mine and I owned it with all the reality I could throw at it, I gave it my heart, my wit, my smiles, it was my spot.

Now I am inbetween spots, tomorrow I am sleeping in Memphis. Right now I am still in Wilmore but my spot (my house) is a crazy mine field of boxes, rubbermade tubs, and the sight of things still to be done. And to top it off somehow a moth has gotten in. Great. All I need is a moth.

I know that great things await around the corner, and someday soon and very soon I will have positive blogs to write. (damn moth) But for now may I just say, I am tired of being transitional, transplanted, and trans.... ported.

"The Happy Camper"

Right now I am wearing my springhill camp happy camper shirt.  This seemed somewhat ridiculous when I put it on but why not, it's a comfy available option.  It's not the t-shirt that is inappropriate but the message as I feel nor look anything like a happy camper.  It's like the equivalent of seeing a environmentalist driving an hummer, they look they are betraying themselves.  My t-shirt betrays me, its laughable, but enough about the t-shirt.   

I moving through the ends and beginnings of my life.  I am rolling with the punches.  I am all the optimistic turns of phrase your grandma used to encourage you during your adolescence.  I'm keeping my chin up (there's another one for ya) because it's realistically the only option.

Yesterday I wanted to go greek and break plates.  I only have six left I might as well finally put an end to what used to be a full set of fabulous turquoise crate and barrel dishes.  Yesterday I wanted to writhe in pain, turn back the clock, change things, drink wine or microbrewed beer with my friends and revel in the comfort that they would have with my raw self, my tears, and my ridiculous pessimism.  We would eat luxurious food in a dimly lit spot and laugh and cry about families and pets and new zip codes.  This is just not meant to be, last night was lonely, but it felt like a soft hoodie for my soul.

So it's all changing and some great stuff is ending, but some more great stuff is just beginning and i am trying to (insert your clever platitude here) 

life is beautiful, and don't let me forget it, so when you see me encourage me, remind me of the good, the upcoming and the exciting.

Thanks in advance.

Tov

My small and beautiful hedgehog passed away this morning. I am full of grief and loss to an overwhelming degree considering Tov's size and the time he was in our lives. The accident happened a few weeks ago and it seemed certain he would pull through. He had a whole mess of fight in him, but it seems as though the extent of his burns exhausted him and he just couldn't fight any longer. I will miss the way he picked up on any smell that had happened in our house that day from Basil to coffee he was interested in tasting all smells. I miss the rare nights when he would fall asleep on the crook of my or Kel's arm, with eyes drooping shut like a child. At this point in my post you may be thinking, they loved that little rodent too much, you may think we are acting like yuppies being too frivolous with our pets. Well for one Tov was no rodent but an insectivore and for two the Pennys don't just love, we love the lives we come in contact with, deep and hard. It hurts us badly sometimes but we love you with this same love and this is something to be celebrated. We fought for Tov with our time, money and hearts. Part of me feels the relief of not having his feeding and care consume my day, and then the other part of me is guilty and nauseated because thos feelings exist.

I hate being in our office right now and seeing Tov's habitat sitting empty, we're washing his cage liners and packing it all up for maybe another hedgie someday. But today I just want to cry over Tov, the unfairness of it all, the fight it seemed like we were winning and the agony of this surprise defeat. I cry when I think about driving the Saturn and mine being the only life inside. I imagined having him in his cage in the back seat, I would harass him by making him sit on my lap, he wouldn't appreciate the sun but he would snuggle in the folds of my shirt and fall asleep.

I want to be angry, I want to weep loudly, I miss my little kiwi and all the memories we made with him seem so vibrant and razor sharp today. I am sick of grieving the loss of things in my life, I want a grieving season to be over, for a while.

But life in all of its celebrations is only as rich as it is because the highs are only sweet because we have tasted the bitters of the valleys. I feel like almost every single thing in my life is dying, my friendships back home, my sense of home, my pets, my job, my address, they are all fading. Today I don't feel the birth of something new and I long to feel it, today I only feel death. The death of a house full of boxes and an empty cage where there should be a sleeping ball of quills which has a place in my heart.

Surprising September

If you would have told me in August that I would be spending my first Saturday alone after Kel left for work drinking coffee I would have not been surprised in the least. If you would have told me that I would be spending it drinking coffee with a hallway full of boxes to be filled for our impending move to Oklahoma, and that by blogging and drinking coffee I was being slightly delinquent in feeding and medicating our pet hedgehog who is down to three feet and cost more than rent this month, I would have certainly been surprised. ( I know that is a run on sentence, just deal).

I have so much on my mind and I feel like I flat out have to much to do to get ready for this. On top of which I can't really wrap my mind around it all, it doesn't really compute that I am moving to Oklahoma in 2.5 weeks, not really at all. But it does certainly seem to be inevitable, so we press on.

I should stop being deliquent with Tov and try to get him to eat and take his medicine, he hasn't pooped in days that is the new worry. I hope he does, I don't even care if he does it on me I just want him to do it.

Bye for now.

"But this man of no reputation
Loved the weak with relentless affection
And He loved all those poor in spirit just as they were"
Man of no Reputation
Rich Mullins
The Jesus Record

Sometimes the Holy Spirit works through the iPod shuffle.

Can I get an amen?

But this man of no reputation
Loved the weak with relentless affection
And He loved all those poor in spirit just as they were

Sometimes the Holy Spirit works through the iPod shuffle.

Can I get an amen?

Peace

I have this beautiful sense of peace.  No matter what no matter where, I feel at peace.  God does have a love for Kel and I,  and we want to be at the center of his will.  No matter what this next week, month, year brings, I feel as though this last year has brought us so much closer to all that need to be at the foundation.  I feel as though we are building this firm foundation, that the start we have had or will continue to have in this last year will be the cornerstone to a life spent seeking Gods will for us.  

We all want to see around the next corner, we all live with a desire to know that it's safe, that nothing bad awaits us around the next bend.  None of us get that, so our lives are defined in the grace we have living in the uncertainty of it all.  

Grace & Peace.

Longest day of my life

I fear to write about what's going on with me right now, just in case something stupid happens and it causes things to unnecessarily fall apart. So I guess I'll be vague but emotion-packed. That sounds like a good movie write-up, who wouldn't want to see that film?

Kel is out of town, out of state, out of... pocket. He is talking with some people about possibility of making a decision that would drastically alter the course of our life. And they are talking all day. He might call in an hour or so, but that does not do away with the length of time I have been waiting, incommunicado. PS I have the worst onion breath but no one is around to take offense but me so to hell with it. I don't fear the huge change, I fear the lack of the huge change. I want Kel to be happy for selfless and selfish reasons. The selfless ones are obvious, I want him to feel fulfilled in his life, to soar, to achieve, to succeed, to ... do the things you want for someone you love. Selfish reasons, well money is the root of all evil, and additionally and more importantly when he is happy, so am I. (for the most part, please mail in a request for fine print) I want to be happy, I don't want him to be let down or feel unvalued.

I trust God, I do, or I am sincerely trying to, I wish my community was here. One shouldn't be alone on nights such as this, this is the whole reason God surrounds us with people that love us. Excepting that the people that love us, aren't so much here, or at least the people that really love me, who would take me out for a frosty bev and make me laugh and tell me that no matter what all this amounts to that I am love and it's going to be okay. They are a phone call away, but there is no end to how much I could use a hug, one from someone who wants to be here to hug me, and in this state, there really isn't. And that's okay I am not complaining, I'm just... crying and still with the onion taste.

I don't know what I want but I do know that I want to know, and I think I might implode or explode sans this knowledge.

My onion breath is starting to offend even me and there's this friggin pack of PB cups calling to me from the kitchen, which would be tasty, but would merely mask my onion breath. And run the risk of causing extreme morning after guilt. dang. I want chocolate.

Wordle

This is way too cool, it is going in my office for suresies.  Thanks for the link!

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   style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd"
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This week has been such a struggle for me, I hate struggling weeks. Sometimes the gem of wisdom I come out with just doesn't seem worth it. This week it might, I am not sure yet. I found myself grieving my broken family again this week. It started while I was mowing and continued for a few days. This always leaves me question where I stand, what my role is, and always the question of WTF God? Why us, why me, why... blah. It's been a roller coaster week enhanced by the hormonal instability that only women can relate to. Oh Lord here I am again on Sunday Morning! I still want you to lead me and teach me, I always ever need grace and I am running hard after a healthier dose of faith and a meadow of peace to sit and have a picnic in.

I took Kel out on a "Kel date" last night, we had pizza at Donatos and then he picked out a video game that looked like fun and we played it together. He's been through it with me this week like the amazing travel companion that he is.

Beautiful. And now it's time for waffles.

Resting in a dirty house

There is a piece of construction paper on the floor

I will confess to no man or woman the date of the last time I cleaned the toilet

I need to change the sheets on our bed

I need to vacuum and then some

But here I sit on the couch, resting.  Enjoying the bliss of this moment and digesting the 3 course italian dinner I recently enjoyed.  I will soon turn off the tv and read a book or two.  The scenery is not perfect but I am learning to rest in it.  This is an inside job as well.  I have a mess inside, still.  After 26 years I still have scars that ooze from time to time.  And this is also okay.  I am striving and I am working to heal, I am moving forward.  God sends me partners to encourage me on the journey.  I will vacuum the cobwebs out, and I might have to do it again.  I am taking one baby step at a time to really believe that I truly am loved. really.

Here I go again!

I must figure out how man states I have been in this year so far.  So here goes airport layovers count I do believe.

Started out the year in      Michigan

Drove back through          Ohio

And                                      Indiana

to get back home to          Kentucky

Drove to                             Florida

Through                             Tennessee

And                                     Alabama

Flew through                    Wisconsin

Flew to                               Texas

Via                                       Illinois

On my way to                    Oklahoma

Through                             Georgia

I think 12 states is pretty decent considering it's just barely June.  We are off again tomorrow evening to attend a wedding in Oklahoma, crazy!  I don't think I will visit any other new states this year.  And Wisconsin definitely counts if you realize how much time I spent in that friggin airport.

I am ready to let my lil green suitcases cool off and stay home for a while, but all are more than welcome to come to Casa La Penny for a stay.

I need to sleep before trip #7 of the year.  If you're keeping track that's more than 1 per month.  Oiy!

Just journeying

I love the journey.  I truly do.  Right now I am sitting in my incredibly clean house watching Elizabethtown.  I love this movie probably because it sort of centers around the death of the main character's father and well, that's been a part of mine & Kel's journey.  

I spent the weekend at my Best Friend's Wedding, it was an amazing day.  I think that it was one of the most memorable days of my life.  I am blessed to have been the one to stand beside them.  I can't wait for her to come back from Hawaii so we can just be wives together, from a distance.  I really am starting to to enjoy Kentucky for the most part, but I miss Michigan and all those who are there.  My heart swells for the people in my life.  My thoughts are often about people, people are where my passion lies and then some.  

This is my favorite scene of the movie.  Chuck and Cindy "The Wedding". 

"Death and life, Life and Death!  Right next door to each other!??!  It's like there's a hair between them!"

Maybe I will just put some music on and lay on the floor in the middle of my living room until Kel comes home from work.  It's an option.  I hate Cicadas and I want them all to die and go away, they are the spawn of the devil in both the way they look and the noises they make... dang them.  

So my main prayer request of the moment would be contentment, contentment to be here, to be where we are financially, to be traveling so much this summer.  To be alone, when I am alone, to simply realize that I'm never alone.  

Today I feel alone.

I am glad tomorrow is Sunday.

The Red Dot

You know that place...

You know that place where you can't stand where you are but you're terrified of where you might end up?  Yeah I'm there.

Okay so I am through pretending my life is the latest string of state farm commercials.  So here is the meat of my heart right now.  

Last Sunday at church I was revitalized in worship in the most organic service I have yet to experience at Southland Christian Church.  It was a message about stewardship and the span of God's love for all living things from the garden to the revelations tree.  I can recount emotions far more than subject matter but in this message I heard the ever elusive rhythm of God's deep truths.  This is the beat that is the undercurrent for all truth, really.  Sometimes I hear it and it reminds me to be still and know he is God, to love where I am because it is where I am placed, and to seek to live a life that is pleasing, humble, and difficult.  I hate the thought of always making the easy choice over the right one.  I hear this rhythm when I read Matthew Sleeth's book "Serve God, save the planet."

A line that punched me in the heart reads:

"The person who begins their day by asking: "what will I wear and how will it look?" may work just as hard as the person who asks "How can I serve God and save the planet?" It is not the effort put into their actions but the meaning derived from their lives that will vary greatly."

I was asking the former question, and believe you me I have been putting a ton of effort in worrying about money and people and money and calories and money and money and I would have to say that a ridiculous% of my thought life goes into wondering how this Seminary thing is ever really going to happen.  I want Kel to be able to immerse himself in this experience, in the scriptures, in the family of Asbury.  He's not able to because he's working 40 hours a week and going full time, and when I see people who are able to do the immersion version of seminary I get a little jealous.  Sorry about that, I am just still a little mad at God for being dually fatherless but the good news is that I press onward.

I have no idea if any of this connects from dot to dot because mostly I am exhausted from hosting the lovely and well journeyed group of golden grads this weekend.  So I am going to awaken a crabby crabby hedgehog and hope for the best.  Going to try to grab some nature tomorrow.  The best part of my day may have very well been walking out to my garden and seeing three rows of the most beautiful green bean shoots you have ever seen in your life.  I love them already, I love plants and all things living.  

Yep, out.

Baby's got a brand new blog

Well I have decided to turn over a new leaf, blog wise.  If you want the back story please feel free to visit my old blog:

http://www.xanga.com/clumsyballerina

I always have to give xanga my love given that it gets the credit for introducing me to my husband.

Tov and I are sitting here watching an old episode of SNL after enjoying a bowl of brusters cherry chocolate chunk.  I am on the couch, Tov is on my shoulder and we are both somewhat crabby and trying to forget everything else going on in the wide world that doesn't include our couch and shoulder areas.  Lately life has seemed a bit overwhelming, I'm not going to lie.  It's part busyness and part my refusal to let the little things go.

That's about all I have to say right now except that I love ice cream and at least I set up this new blog.  woot.