Thursday, August 26, 2010

Brainwashing Myself

So I think back to school has finally got the phinneas and ferb theme song out of my head. Well it did until I posted that. Also, 8 days until I get to go see a mountain again people. Do you hear that? It's quiet but... it's pretty much my heart doing cartwheels. Might be chilly (when have I ever minded chilly) but it's going to be gooooood for me, the Keller and the Noers alike.

Life has been good lately, like crazy good. When I see my husband walk up the walkway to our front door my heart has a woohoo! moment. And even when my daughter tries to scatter the contents of our DVD cabinet across the living room floor for the 23rd time in an afternoon of play, I have just enough patience to redirect her. And when I think of having two children, that are ours, at the same time, I'm cool with that. I owe a large portion of thanks for this re-found joy to one key source. Church. Yup, we have been doing a series on toxic influences in our life. You know the stuff that impacts your day to day life that is both totally influential and total crap. And so I have been sorting through my core beliefs one by one, and trying to incinerate the ones that are dragging me into the pit. And I have been putting some distance inbetween be and the things that are feeding me crappy lies, and you know what? I have some joy in my life. I have some hope going on. I see my future with this glow that has never been there before. I don't let all the mistakes of the past or my family's past project themselves onto my own future.

I think the most profound thing I have done, THE THING I have done that had the greatest impact on my current status is I committed murder. That's right murder. But I murdered and imaginary person so I'm probably not wanted for murder. Who did I kill, you may ask? Ideal Leanne. Let me give you a brief description of the deceased so you can obtain for yourself a clearer picture. She looked like Jillian Michaels, Martha Stewart, and the most perfect pastor's wife you can imagine. She had a beautiful home and garden, and a beautiful six pack, and a beautiful scripture quoting spirit that uplifted anyone she encountered like snow white did to forest creatures. She was it. The shiz. And my friends she had to go.

Here is why: Any morning I woke up and wasn't her, I was bummed out at my own self failure. I was trying so hard to be the apex on every level that I was killing myself. So instead, I killed her. And I really she doesn't come back to zombie me into relapse.

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

So the ideal perfect Leanne, never gonna happen, doesn't need to happen needed to die. Instead I choose to live free and any time a memory of her come afloating back I say: God already has a Jillian. a Martha. and a whoever else I'm not stacking up to. He only has 1 me and I am going to go out and be her like crazy today. Bam.

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