Just plain update

Well here I am on the couch Sunday night. With the smell of Christmas all around and the glow of the Christmas tree. We're watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition I am crying already.

Life has been beautiful lately, painful at moments, and then some epiphanies. Being pregnant is great, but also a struggle at moments. I am trying to redo how I define myself as successful. I can't weight my worth by being thin and sexy in that way. I have to re-figure worth to me in that way. I'm getting bigger and having a baby. My body is now beautiful in other ways. And I am working on being okay with that, but it's hard for me and I know that's hard for some people to understand.

I get to go home for Christmas, over the new year. I can't wait to step off the plane and see the faces of the people that I love. To just hug and laugh with those that I love.

I'm distracted but here are some updates. Love. Leanne

Finally Home

I really do finally feel home. I'm sitting in our new place, exhausted with a mug of homemade apple sauce just enjoying my new house. There are going to be so many memories in this place... It's small and beautiful in every way. We already cooked for friends and had people over to watch football and we haven't even slept here yet. When we do it we do it up big. Plus OU is in the midst of putting the screws to Texas Tech. Woo for that.

I finally feel like me again, I have a place to call home and it feels like home. It really feels like home. And it will only feel more so like home.

I have nothing else to say, I am totally at peace. I never want to leave. :-)

Tuesday Night Update.

Well here we are, Tuesday night. We are not in our house at all yet, although it's completely finished. Red tape will get you every time. There is a good chance that we will be able to move in this weekend. But we won't close until next week, but I suppose closings get pushed back often. Am I pissed??? I mean... I was supposed to be in last weekend and close last friday... but no dice. Whatever, it will close eventually...I hope. I know... it will...

The Penny's life is moving along otherwise. I am sitting on my couch after some Italian takeout from Papa Gjorgio's here in town. I also had a pudding cup. I'm trying to get my calcium intake up for bebe'. I am watching the biggest loser, which is pretty much my favorite show on air right now. I love top chef but we don't get bravo in Ada, or comedy central. Vicki is crazy, if you watch biggest loser you know what I mean... totally. We eat a lot of takeout these days, we are in transistion and our kitchen is barely functional for us so I don't really have to motivation to cook. Also I never know what my pregnant tastebuds want for dinner until the moment of eating, so takeout is a safer bet. We keep it healthy though.

Kel is in Norman right now, he will be there for the whole evening. So I am all solo tonight, which isn't so bad. The heat is out in our house, so I also went out to buy a space heater because I am frigging freezing. I might start working on some christmas cards. I am totally for sure going to crack on on NBC programming, so sue me, I know my brain would be better of with other things... lol... I'll get to those things.

Much Love to you reader.

Leanne

Big Beautiful Heartwrenching life

Kel and I may be back to sharing music and life again, we've been cheap and well we don't really get radio in ada, per say.

Life is and always will be a huge crazy mess, I think. This uncertainty may very well prove my opening statement to be true but, true or not there isn't much I can do about the tidiness of life. Not at the gut level anyway. I can put the scissors back in their correct place to reduce the "have a hanging sweater string and need to cut it on my way out the door" madness. But the straight up messiness and uncertainty of life. Right now I feel like I see where all the puzzle pieces of my life go. How they fit. Everything I ever wanted on the horizon, the the practically dawn horizon. Brand new house, career for kel, baby on the way, two respectable and functioning cars, no credit card debt, etc. Two days ago, with a perfect ultrasound picture in one hand and a cup of half-caf coffee in the other I sat at my breakfast table solo over a grapefruit and felt deeply and sickyl empty. I felt like the emtiness inside me extended out past the bottom of my feet, under the floorboards and halfway to china. I almost hit my knees, I would have killed to have a best friend to scoop me up, someone to make me laugh, to complete the part of me that feels so far away. Family. My family. They continue on without me in Michigan, i miss them and it physically hurts.

How in the midst of everything I thought I ever wanted do I feel so empty handed? I think I lost myself in all of it, in pulling stuff together, soul was sacrificed. I haven't been selfless, somehow in loosing myself I still managed to selfish. This is all starting to seem like a really tangled up necklace chain. You know when you want to wear a necklace and you realize that in the jewlery box it has somehow tied itself to another necklace in about 24 knots? The sort of knot mess when you are sure you have to send it to a knot specialist to ever be able to wear it again. In your despair you try a knot, and you cuss as the clasp gets caught up in 4 loops, but somehow it all comes apart in a neat pendant controlled straightness. And you put it on and run out the door feeling well accesorized.

I am just taking this tangled mess of metal out of the jewlery box and realizing I have to undo a whole bunch of knots. But in all honesty I shall be wearing my shiny diamondy soul soon. But today, with hope on the horizon I feel like I have a mess again.

Sorry about all the bad metaphors. Will you still be my friend? What if I left these cool lyric ex excerpts?

"So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone"

"What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilage to carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!"

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all