Friday, November 7, 2008

Big Beautiful Heartwrenching life

Kel and I may be back to sharing music and life again, we've been cheap and well we don't really get radio in ada, per say.

Life is and always will be a huge crazy mess, I think. This uncertainty may very well prove my opening statement to be true but, true or not there isn't much I can do about the tidiness of life. Not at the gut level anyway. I can put the scissors back in their correct place to reduce the "have a hanging sweater string and need to cut it on my way out the door" madness. But the straight up messiness and uncertainty of life. Right now I feel like I see where all the puzzle pieces of my life go. How they fit. Everything I ever wanted on the horizon, the the practically dawn horizon. Brand new house, career for kel, baby on the way, two respectable and functioning cars, no credit card debt, etc. Two days ago, with a perfect ultrasound picture in one hand and a cup of half-caf coffee in the other I sat at my breakfast table solo over a grapefruit and felt deeply and sickyl empty. I felt like the emtiness inside me extended out past the bottom of my feet, under the floorboards and halfway to china. I almost hit my knees, I would have killed to have a best friend to scoop me up, someone to make me laugh, to complete the part of me that feels so far away. Family. My family. They continue on without me in Michigan, i miss them and it physically hurts.

How in the midst of everything I thought I ever wanted do I feel so empty handed? I think I lost myself in all of it, in pulling stuff together, soul was sacrificed. I haven't been selfless, somehow in loosing myself I still managed to selfish. This is all starting to seem like a really tangled up necklace chain. You know when you want to wear a necklace and you realize that in the jewlery box it has somehow tied itself to another necklace in about 24 knots? The sort of knot mess when you are sure you have to send it to a knot specialist to ever be able to wear it again. In your despair you try a knot, and you cuss as the clasp gets caught up in 4 loops, but somehow it all comes apart in a neat pendant controlled straightness. And you put it on and run out the door feeling well accesorized.

I am just taking this tangled mess of metal out of the jewlery box and realizing I have to undo a whole bunch of knots. But in all honesty I shall be wearing my shiny diamondy soul soon. But today, with hope on the horizon I feel like I have a mess again.

Sorry about all the bad metaphors. Will you still be my friend? What if I left these cool lyric ex excerpts?

"So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone"

"What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilage to carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Ev'rything to God in prayer!"

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

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