Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Spiritual Milk Drinkers....

Well this post includes some references to breastfeeding so if you're not down go web someplace else.

I have been breastfeeding my daughter Noelle for about 10 weeks now. That's not that much time, in the grand scheme of life it's like a sneeze. But it has been the most amazing ten weeks of life I have known. Every time she is hungry and starts to exhibit those sure fire "mom feed me soon or I will go ballistic" signs I take the necessary steps and make sure she gets the milk she needs. Sometime not fast enough for her liking, but usually in two minutes or less . Sometimes, however, I need to burp her in the middle of the feeding or stop and switch her to the other side. When I do this, she has the tendency to cry and fuss and generally express extreme unhappiness that she is not currently chugging milk. The other day I was feeding her, and switching her to the other side and I told her (yes I talk to her all the live long day) "Noelle! For your entire life there has been food when you needed it, what makes you think today would be any different?"


I myself had spent my very own week freaking out about money. Worrying that perhaps someday very soon we would default on a payment, OR not be able to buy diapers, OR the car would break down and the repairs would be more than our emergency fund plus the savings we have to sustain us until I start getting a paycheck again.

"Leanne, you've been alive for 27 years. Have you ever gone hungry, without transportation, or had your household poop needs unmet?

Scripture tells us

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. 12 In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13 Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. ~Hebrews 5:11-14

To which I responded: "Wow God, please teach me more through Motherhood"

You see like my daughter freaks out when she stops eating for a nanosecond and is still hungry, so I when I see a potential problem in the distance or spill a drop of faith because of some small bump in the road act out like chicken little. It's NOT GOING TO BE OKAY! The sky is FALLING! The ROOF is caving in, The bottom has fallen out and this will end me!

But I am NOT an infant
I am 27 years of sustained healthy well-loved adult woman.
Who still freaks out with a "It's not going to be okay" mentality

This my friends is a value I do not want to pass on.

Dear Lord please be with me in this... help me to rise above it and show my children that you are the giver and sustainer, you are the LORD our God, and it will forever and always be more than just okay. Help me becomer a spiritual steak and taffy eater (you see these things take time to chew) so that my daugther sees it and follows in my footsteps.

And all Gods people, or at least this one said: AMEN.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Home Again Home Again

Well here I am in Michigan. I am enjoying a cup of coffee in a hoodie with the slider door open. The morning is nice and crisp and I am in my element. I am centered and there are so many paths I could go down today. The most likely of which is to the mall and lunch with my best friend Becky. I even have spending money in the budget. Wonderful eh?

The trip is going really well so far and I am just taking deep breaths and not letting my Mom or family get to me too much in a negative way. So my Moms house is messy and yes there is usually rotten food in the fridge but I've had multiple freak outs about it and it never does any good really. So might as well just deal with it and throw out the moldy hot dogs at the back by the 3rd jar of grape jelly and stop trying to figure out why my Mother and I are so drastically un alike.

It has been so good to see family and to make plans to share meals with people we love and watch them hold our baby and enjoy her simple beauty. Although after nine months of carrying her, perhaps her beauty is crazy complicated? I love her more and more each day. She is so laid back! She cries when she is hungry or has a dirty diaper or the two times I accidentally pinched her a bit with the car seat buckle. (For which I felt like the worst mom ever...) When we eat dinner she just sits and looks at us and at the lights above the table. Like she's part of the dinner conversation only she talks with her eyes and not her vocal chords... yet!

This town still feels like me, like I belong here. Don't get my wrong because Ada is better than I can imagine and the people that live there are a gift in my life. But when I drive these roads and pull into these parking spots and walk these streets and eat this food and have these conversations... I feel so safe, so unquestionable. No one could say I don't belong, no one can tear me down here, I am a fortress in Michigan, I am supported by so many people who love me so much. This feeling, this sense of belonging, it's so strong. Time and miles struggle to take it away. Will we end up here someday? I don't dare venture an opinion. For now I can tell you with a million percent assurance that Ada is where we live, and undoubtedly where we need to be living. And that my friends is enough for today.
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