Wednesday, December 8, 2010

what I cannot do today

I love the Jewish idea of binding things on your body in a very real and physical way. Because some truths seem so painfully obvious, but are next to impossible to keep at the forefront of your mind. Sometimes I want to wallpaper my living room with these truths, or tattoo them on my arms and hands. Or maybe on the foreheads of the people I surround myself with. Every sphere of life have a certain amount of these foundational and incredibly forgettable truths. Going through tough times is no exception.

Today's painfully simply truth? When you feel like everything is crumbling around you, focus on what you can do, not on what you can't.

Chances are if you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you can't do what you do on a daily basis. You can't fulfill the roles you hold in your life like you have always dreamed you would.

Let me bring it home and make it personal. Today I am on the edge, and if I had to tell you why, I couldn't. Teeny tiny every day things are pushing me over the brink of sanity today, and I have had several moments where I didn't think I would be able to make it to the moment of salvation when Kel walks through the front door after work. Noelle keeps trying to climb on the kitchen table and every time she does I think I am going to lose it. Little things like my water glass being out of reach are enough to frustrate me beyond belief.

So here is what I came up with to get me through. Don't think about how Supermom would navigate this afternoon, or even how you would normally do so in an ideal situation. Instead figure out what you can do to get through.

What I cannot do right now:
Multi task
Do Laundry and chores
Plan fun activities for my daughter
leave the house
feel great about my life
think about Christmas
Be in a super healthy place
Worry about how the entire world perceives me

What I can do:
Ask God for the strength to get through the next two hours
Admit that I am going through intensely tough stuff
Lock Noelle and I in the playroom
Be okay with her messing stuff up a bit, or a lot
Feed her baked Lays
Be thankful we have this bag of baked Lays in the house
Read her any book she brings to me
Keep her out of the dangerous stuff
Listen to the radio
Take deep breathes

I am not the Mom I always dreamed of being today, I am not the supportive wife I want to be, I am not the positive influence in the lives of our students that I want to be. This is not a permanent state, but if I can't admit that it is the state of things today, I will drown.

1 comment:

Melanie said...

I think it is hard as mommies and wives to sometimes admit that we can't be as perfect as we want to be and sometimes we need support instead of giving it out. And, that's okay, let everyone love and support you right now.

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