Simplicity

I have heartburn right now, I had to throw that out there before I get started. I have heartburn and I am not a huge fan. Also I am out of tums... boo.

The older you get the less you need. I mean who can figure out what to get their parents for Christmas let alone their Grandparents? I need less today than I did a year ago. This may seem ironic due to all the baby supplies that really are needed in the Penny household but a wave of simplicity has overtaken me. I love simplicity. I love simple flavors and clean lines. I like having less things to dust, never been a fan of the kick knack. I have willow tree figurines (3 of them and I have one twice ironically) Anyway Kel and I have been giving up 40% of our grocery budget for lent and we have still managed to eat fine and even healthy. We are not going out to eat, and we don't have the TV on. Instead a snapshot of our lives looks like Kel working on the Nursery while I sit here heartburning and blogging in the dark with our puppy Bella snuggling and falling off my lap. There is less lap room as I get pregnanter... poor puppy :-)

I am so happy right now. I really like I am under the tutor-ship of my God, who is shaping me to be... something... which I am totally excited about. I am clearly being shaped into a mother. I pray daily that God will prepare me to be the example she will need me to be. That she will see my faith that God will provide, that she will see the romance between Kel and I, that she will want to wear shoes like me, and walk like me, at least before and after she is a teenager.. I am still a realist don't worry :-)

Ooh, on that note I just heard a bang crash in the nursery which merits investigation.

I miss you friend from across the country. I would hug you and share a ... treat of some sort with you now if I could... Brusters if you are Danessa, Coffee if you are most everyone else, or just a board game and a brownie...

Goodnight. Peace of Christ to you.

Blades of Grass

Life can somehow feel completely overwhelming, like when I sit and think about all that needs to be done before baby girl Penny arrives in May (most likely June if you ask me- Due May 31) Things like...

1) A mini Van or larger vehicle
2) a rocking chair
3) bedding for her crib
4) Bottles to drink out of
5) Clothes so she's not naked at least some of the time
6) a sink tub to stay clean in
7) A mom who feels prepared for all this!! :-)
8) Paint and some pretties in her bedroom
9) Pack n play to sleep on the go

I know there is more, I fear registering for a shower... Eek!!! :-)

But I am really trying to give it all over to God and just trust that he IS in control of every detail, from mini vans to onesies to my heart's preparedness to be a mom.

I am still crazy lonely for community here in Ada, we have a church home that helps and I really like a lot of the women that attend. Now I just have to stalk them and make them my friends! Not really, I know it's all a process that takes circa a year or more. I have small worries like, what if no one comes to see me after the baby is born? What if I need face to face Mom advice and no one wants to help. I just want someone to want... me. You know? We all feel that, the need to enter a room and have someone go Oh look (hugs) YAY! It's you!!! I lack that belongingness that I so deeply need here in Ada. And it will come, like all the other provisions that I have needed that have always been filled.

Not to mention March is coming up and with that brings all the sadness of four years ago when my world was torn apart and then slowly reconstructed. I hate march, I was telling Kel last night that March is the month where I just can't shake how much it sucks. For me it's not Christmas or his Birthday, although Christmas comes with sharp pains of its own, but not like March. I want to be around family this March, to be with them because I know they miss Dad like I miss Dad. Or to be with the friends who held me up at the funeral, not try to explain this raw Dad-missing emotion to a new set of people. Twice removed, with more akwardness.

But for now it's still February and I think I will make my world famous waffles, regardless of how guilty I feel because they're not on Kel's diet plan. If we were in Michigan Grandpa would shove more waffles with more butter in front of him that I could possibly cook in Oklahoma so if I look at it that way, hey, we're coming out ahead??

Thanks for loving me, most likely from a distance. Right back at you I swear.

sweet timing

It is amazing how the right timing makes the good things in your life even better. As I lay here on the couch feeling my baby girl kick with my puppy asleep on my arm I am amazed at how happy and relaxed I am with my life. I keep hearing about how crazy people think all our new changes are but well, we are so content. Any of these things at other times in my life would have been, and have been so negative. But for now, my life is bliss. That's all really... sigh...

Good Morning Four Day Weekend!

Okay so I realized that there is no way I can really post this until I brush my teeth. And I should take my prenatal vitamin too or else I am totally going to forget.

Alright that is done. Well here I am on a Saturday morning letting Kel sleep another hour while I fiddle around the house and tidy and pee at least every 20 minutes because that is what you do when you are pregnant. We are heading into the city today to get some baby stuff and help Kel spend his Christmas Money, as well as have brunch with some great friends. I have a four day weekend, due to MLK day and then a random Tuesday off. I will have to work next Saturday but just 6:30 - 1 PM which is all reality isn't THAT bad of a day. Nice and short at any rate. It will be a busy weekend of getting things done around the house that we have neglected. We bought some paint for the living and dining room areas last night. I would like to hang some more pictures on the wall and then just start perhaps trying to sew some window hangings and bring the room together as it were. That will be truely lovely.

So we found out that we are expecting a baby girl this week. That new has come with a roller coaster of uncertainties and emotions. I am coming to find out that when you think about being a mother of a daughter you sort of immediately think about your own relationship with your mother and what was modeled to you, as far as mothering lessons go. I haven't always had the best relationship with my own mom and so well, I think some nervousness arises. I think of all the things I want to be for her, to show her, and then I worry about failing her. I want to show her strength, beauty, how to put on her makeup the right way, how to pursue what God called you to do with your life fearlessly, how to make things out of popsicle sticks and how to let it all out with a cry but then pick yourself and move on, realizing that it's really your only option. I want to make Dad's Christmas cookies with her and tell her all about how much her Grandpa would have loved her. What if something happens and I close off like my Mom... I shudder to think and I refuse to let it happen. I want to give her everything from me, not necessarily the best clothes (although hopefully we can save her a little embarassment) but My major concern is giving her the best of myself, being Leanne Penny as a mom in the best most God honoring way that I can. I can feel God molding me along these ongs I just pray that I stay soft and bendy to his will and teaching.

That being said I am off to buy something pink and indulge myself in all the excitement that comes with expecting our daughter. In all her beauty and and potential.

Home

Home is such an elusive thing in my life. Is it where the heart is? Is it where I grew up? I am writing this from my parents house where I have lived since sixth grade, up until I moved out anyways. However this house is not what makes home for me. The home in this house died with my father sadly and so I am a nomad when it comes to home. Home will catch up with me in miscellaneous places. Sometimes just being in a restaurant with family feels like home. Often times my aunt and uncles houses feels more like home than I realize. Home certainly is most often encountered in West Michigan for me but does like to sneak up on me at the Henson's house in Oklahoma City. The one thing I know is that I need to find a way to make where I live, feel like home. I don't want to live the rest of my life restless for the home I cannot find. I don't want to always find myself discontent with the address on my mail, wishing the bills I loathe came to a West Michigan address. I am hoping that one of the ways that God grows me in 2009 is to make where I am feel like home. Teach me contentment God, and please continue to weave Kel and I into a family. Allow this family to be the priority and help our new little house to bubble over with homey-ness.

Packing

Sometimes it seems my life is this endless chain of packing. I never get to be in one place long and it is starting to wear on me. (hang on I have to rotate laundry in order to have clean stuff to pack) okay rotated. There are moments I simply can't wait to be home, most of them in fact. I prayed for this trip, thank God for answered prayers. I am however going to miss my Kel more than I can express. 13 days apart seems like a lifetime and a half. I was realizing as we were talking in the tub last night that he has become my best friend, the kind of best friend I can take birthday suit baths with. I still hold my girl bffs dearly but all this transition has certainly moved Kel into my best friend spot. Ada is so lonely without him, I still have yet to make a friend or even hang out one on one with anyone at all really, or even in a group. So without Kel this town is pretty gray. Although I am going to try to do more with my time here than I did during his last absence. I certainly need to tackle the garage. Maybe even the nursery, clean it up so we can start preparing it slowly for bebe's arrival. Ugh I need to be packing, Kel is doing the dishes and he will surely come out and expect me to be packed and yet I will blogging.

I should stop blogging when I am crabby. Its just that lately I feel as though I will never live up to my own expectations. They are so high. And when I don't jump through my incredibly high hoops I can't accept myself. This is terrifying. Just walking around your house feeling completely inadequate in every way. I blame myself for everyones problems, obviously mine but certainly Kels too.

I should just stop, Lord please in some new years miracle help me to find the ever elusive Grace for myself that you seem to have in spades. I hope. Help me to find some smile for Kel for tomorrow for the next week and two weeks and life. Help the child inside me to somehow feel love and peace despite the turmoil I feel in every organ and cell. Forgive me, love me, lead me through the fog that always seems to settle down on me.

Lifting up my heart

Clearly I am bad at being alone. Kel is gone until Thursday in Houston being refreshed I hope. And I am here, in Ada. Work keeps me busy but I long for community and a sense of belonging. These things take time but my heart keeps wandering back to Holidays past, and they all seem warmer and more exciting. I think I am just emotionally and spiritually worn out. I love our tree, I love my husband, we are hostessing Christmas this year, something I have always dreamed of! My heart is just not in it. I am reading through the Christmas story in my bible and I look over my pond in the mornings. I am trying to feel, more. I am sure It's all jus a result of being overwhelmed and that the numbness will go away. Tonight is just a Monday night, on the couch, with a microwave pizza. Not one exciting thing about it.

God, please awaken my heart, help it to overflow this season with gratitude. Give me eyes to see the moments that are small beautiful gifts of time and laughter with loved ones. My heart hurts with how much I miss my loved ones. Please fill it with love, new love, new traditions, a solidarity of this new family, and us-ness instead of what we are missing.

I lift it all up to you, and more that I can't communicate.