Sunday, May 22, 2011

Can't relate

For the last 4 days we have been celebrating my newly two year-old daughter. Even now our kitchen is brightened by birthday decorations, and I think I am going to let the celebrating continue, it's biblical, it's refreshing and our family loves to party. Also I got most of the decorations up yesterday and I like them, I'm not ready to part with my hard work.

Changing topics: This morning I have been doing some serious pondering and puzzling and I am going to give you the gift of my honesty and confession. Today neither of our kids woke up at all until 5:30 AM, this is new for us these past few weeks as they seem to enjoy playing musical needs all night along. So I stayed up after I fed my little guy and started in on some bible time. And I am ashamed to admit I actually had this thought: "If I get my God time out of the way now I can look at magazines and read my book over coffee before everyone else gets up." So yeah, apparently I view time with God, the God of the universe and beyond, as something to get out of the way so I can flip through a magazine. How ridiculous and all-wrong of me.

I believe in God, but I don't really grasp the idea of relating with Jesus in this whole relationship with Jesus thing.

This shameful thought led me to revisit some of the things I picked up at Bible College, one of the most central of which was the concept of world-view. If you break down the word world-view it defines itself. How do you view the world? What beliefs or experiences are at work governing the way you process information and make decisions. For example, if you believe you are bulletproof and immortal, you would regularly eat the BK quad-stacker or the KFC double-down (so much meat!). If you believe garden spiders are life-threatening you would jump on a chair and scream should one show up in your kitchen. On a more serious note, if you believe that God is good and his love permeates your life you would feel safe in all circumstances and one of your life's goals would be to share this news and love in the way you live.

So here is how I am connecting world-view with my lack of passion for doing my quiet time with God. I believe in the bible, and what it teaches heavily impacts how I live my life and respond to the situations and issues that I am faced with. I believe this truth like I believe in gravity. The truth of God is deep within the way my mind processes life, and this is no easy task and it is to be celebrated. I believe that I will spend my life trying to weave this truth into the deepest levels of my thinking and believing. I want to take my past experiences and future plans and continuously look at them in the light of the truth of God. I want to unlearn dark and wrong beliefs and replace them with this truth. However, here is the kicker: I am almost all world-view when it comes to God and not very heavy on the relationship side of things. I believe the truth, and I strive to live it, but the concept of relating to God is a struggle. I am not good at carving out time to sit with him, truth to be told I am not good at carving out time to sit, period.

There are old hymns and new songs that speak to knowing him, hearing him, walking with him and talking with him. I want more of this in addition to my deep level, life-governing world-view. I know how to think about God, but relating with him in actual space and time now, it's a struggle. Is relating to a God you can't have an actual conversation with supposed to be easy? On the other hand I believe that I relate to him in others as we are all carrying this truth and love that we share, but I am talking about actual quiet time, moment by moment relationship with God.

Am I looking at this all wrong? Does anyone else feel like they are either missing it? I need fresh eyes and a new perspective, I need a deepened desire to be still and to listen for his voice. I need to clear a wide amount of room for God in my daily life, in my TIME and not just my thought processes. Has anyone else been where I am today who isn't here now and is willing to help me along? Or, are you where I am and we can journey this together?

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