Gotta have faith

My friend Dawn posted this quote on twitter earlier this week from Lecrae: "lack of prayer says you bought into the lie that life is manageable and you've got everything under control." This has been stuck in my head all week because it absolutely sums up the way I have been handing life lately. Earlier in my life I didn't pray because it was easier to blame my problems on other people or God. Now instead of blaming I put it all on my plate and insist on handling it myself. Can you help me? No, thanks I got it. I could be laying on the floor bleeding from every limb and if you texted me and asked me if I was okay, I'd nose text you that I was fine, you know before I passed out from blood loss.

I am not really ready to write about all the deep muddy details of my faith issues. So instead I am taking it in a different direction.

Life has been rough lately, I am not a whiner, but I have been through a bunch lately. I have been either sick or pregnant or both for over a year. I have gone through deep and personal loss. And it all seems to keep building, problem upon problem, doctor visit after doctor visit. And today I reached a threshold of sorts. I got put on a new prescription today which laid me out with dizziness and tingling and I have no fewer than 67 things on my to-do list to prepare for our impending 2 week trip up North for my brother's wedding. I managed to muscle through it somehow and kept trying to pack, clean, and play with my kids. After lunch I sat down to pay bills and do a trip budget so we would stay on track while traveling. As I reached for an envelope I knocked my water glass all over all my bills and checks, smearing ink and dousing my pants with icy water. I lost it, dropped some choice words, and ran into the bedroom to change clothes and rant. In the midst of screaming and finding a new pair of pants that lecrae quote popped into my head, which caused me to just scream, "ARGHHH I gotta have faith! And so help me Kel if you play that annoying 80s song I will straight UP murder you."

I took three deep breaths and walked into the kitchen for a bottled water, vowing to drink out of only things with lids for the rest of the day.

And then this happened.

Let that sink in. Aren't my boys crazy awesome?

And I was thankful to be reminded of so many things, the most obvious of which is how much I love my husband, and how thankful I am that even though I am falling apart at the seams and he has every right to be irritated by it, he knows me and tries to make me laugh. I like to believe that in the worst moments of our lives God uses the people around us to speak his truth. What is he trying to say to me today? I'm not completely sure but I think it looks something like "Hey I love you, and trust me, in the midst of soggy pants and taking every antibiotic known to man, life is still so beautiful. Life is belly laughing at a chubby baby dancing to cheesy songs beautiful."

And maybe "Hold on, you're halfway there, Hold on, you're living on a prayer."

Yes, yes I did ^