I love the fall. This is no big secret to anyone who knows me and today is the perfect fall day. Well it may be a bit on the warm side for perfect but I'm letting it go. So Noelle and I picnicked in the park today and then went for a 2 mile walk around the lake. The colors were lovely and I saw at least a million and a half turtles sunning themselves on logs. Also I was charged by a goose! That, I must admit, was not my favorite part.
On our picnic we were joined by some lovely ladies form our lifegroup and their kids. I am so extremely blessed by our life group and incredibly thankful in my heart of hearts that God put them into our life. For thanksgiving I have put up a thankfulness line across our bar area. I often like to hang things there for holidays because it catches the eye and adds to the decor. So anyway I (hopefully Kel too!) am going to use clothespins to put up pictures of things that we are thankful for. I will be putting them up there in some form for sure. Right now the sad thanksgiving line is empty, not because I am not thankful but because it's been one heck of a week.
Alright, well it's not much but it's a post.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
If I have...
For lack of a better way to put it I can be a negative nancy. I am a pessimist. My glass is so often half empty. This seeps into all areas of my life. Home, family, friends, work, self, all of it is tainted by this gray lens through which I usually see my life. I focus not on the amazing things I am but all that I am not. When I eat a meal it's so often not an appreciation of where I am and what I have been given to eat as where I am not and what my grub isn't. When I am UCM I think of all the students I wish were there and the improvements we haven't yet made to the building. This list goes on and on and well... on. And needless to say I am becoming increasingly aware of it, even so much so that I am writing about it for your digestion. This brings me to my next point. I'm sorry. I am sorry for any time when I have cast a judgmental eye in your direction. When I surveyed your life and saw your flaws instead of the beauty weaved into you by our mutual creator. I am sorry whenI have vomited my own troubles onto you instead of hearing about the joys and struggles of your life. God is still cleansing the imperfections from my heart. And I am sorry (and happy) to say that he always will be. I will never be 24 karat Christian. Jesus will always shine through me like light through a dirty window. But this is what I have to offer today. A hope that the next student I meet will feel love because of our interaction and I will today and always look at you with all the beauty God put into you, and encourage you and love you just as you are. Thanks for loving me in spite of my judgey occasional bitchy-ness. Love, me.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday Evening Thoughts
This weekend has taken me for quite a ride. I got in touch with a lot about myself, a lot that needs to grow. Parts of me that have shriveled up, parts that I realized I need strong and juicy in order to live life to the fullest, or live it at any level deeper than mere surface living. And who wants to live on the surface alone, I ask you? I heard an amazing teacher today at Lifechurch and one of the things she said that struck me was that our generation is lost because perhaps they were just preoccupied. She used the example of the lost sheep and talked about how that wasn't an evil sheep, or an especially naughty sheep, it just got caught up in sheeply things and didn't hear the shepherd's call. I feel like I have been overly caught up in sheeply things. Necessary sheeply things, but I put far too much emphasis in excelling in the basics. So yesterday I felt the shepherds crook around my neck yanking, but my little hooves seemed grounded in no mans land. The pulling and not moving action hurts, as you can imagine it would. It's this incompatibility, this fear that comes from realizing that you are here but knowing your heart you were called to be over there. So here I am moving a nervous hoof at a time toward where the shepherd wants me to go.
In the nonsheeply realm of life I am pretty happy, I love being a Mom. My heart for this little girl just gets bigger every day, to the point I am worried I will wake up one morning and see her grinning at me and it will explode completely. I suppose this is a risk that all Mothers take. In the exciting news bulletin side of things I am going home to Michigan on Thursday for a visit. I can't wait. I am leaving Kel behind which I don't love. I simply don't enjoy experiencing life without him. I like segments of life lived on my own so I have something to tell him about, I think we all need this if nothing else for dinner conversation, but large chunks of separation aren't my fav. But it's a good thing, all put together.
I am about blogged out but am on my way to read what you have been writing. Also I started a food blog, surely it's linked somehow to this one... you'll figure it out.
With Love
Leanne Rae
In the nonsheeply realm of life I am pretty happy, I love being a Mom. My heart for this little girl just gets bigger every day, to the point I am worried I will wake up one morning and see her grinning at me and it will explode completely. I suppose this is a risk that all Mothers take. In the exciting news bulletin side of things I am going home to Michigan on Thursday for a visit. I can't wait. I am leaving Kel behind which I don't love. I simply don't enjoy experiencing life without him. I like segments of life lived on my own so I have something to tell him about, I think we all need this if nothing else for dinner conversation, but large chunks of separation aren't my fav. But it's a good thing, all put together.
I am about blogged out but am on my way to read what you have been writing. Also I started a food blog, surely it's linked somehow to this one... you'll figure it out.
With Love
Leanne Rae
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Spiritual Milk Drinkers....
Well this post includes some references to breastfeeding so if you're not down go web someplace else.
I have been breastfeeding my daughter Noelle for about 10 weeks now. That's not that much time, in the grand scheme of life it's like a sneeze. But it has been the most amazing ten weeks of life I have known. Every time she is hungry and starts to exhibit those sure fire "mom feed me soon or I will go ballistic" signs I take the necessary steps and make sure she gets the milk she needs. Sometime not fast enough for her liking, but usually in two minutes or less . Sometimes, however, I need to burp her in the middle of the feeding or stop and switch her to the other side. When I do this, she has the tendency to cry and fuss and generally express extreme unhappiness that she is not currently chugging milk. The other day I was feeding her, and switching her to the other side and I told her (yes I talk to her all the live long day) "Noelle! For your entire life there has been food when you needed it, what makes you think today would be any different?"
THEN
GOD
SPOKE
I myself had spent my very own week freaking out about money. Worrying that perhaps someday very soon we would default on a payment, OR not be able to buy diapers, OR the car would break down and the repairs would be more than our emergency fund plus the savings we have to sustain us until I start getting a paycheck again.
"Leanne, you've been alive for 27 years. Have you ever gone hungry, without transportation, or had your household poop needs unmet?
Scripture tells us
We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. 12 In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13 Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. ~Hebrews 5:11-14
To which I responded: "Wow God, please teach me more through Motherhood"
You see like my daughter freaks out when she stops eating for a nanosecond and is still hungry, so I when I see a potential problem in the distance or spill a drop of faith because of some small bump in the road act out like chicken little. It's NOT GOING TO BE OKAY! The sky is FALLING! The ROOF is caving in, The bottom has fallen out and this will end me!
But I am NOT an infant
I am 27 years of sustained healthy well-loved adult woman.
Who still freaks out with a "It's not going to be okay" mentality
This my friends is a value I do not want to pass on.
Dear Lord please be with me in this... help me to rise above it and show my children that you are the giver and sustainer, you are the LORD our God, and it will forever and always be more than just okay. Help me becomer a spiritual steak and taffy eater (you see these things take time to chew) so that my daugther sees it and follows in my footsteps.
And all Gods people, or at least this one said: AMEN.
I have been breastfeeding my daughter Noelle for about 10 weeks now. That's not that much time, in the grand scheme of life it's like a sneeze. But it has been the most amazing ten weeks of life I have known. Every time she is hungry and starts to exhibit those sure fire "mom feed me soon or I will go ballistic" signs I take the necessary steps and make sure she gets the milk she needs. Sometime not fast enough for her liking, but usually in two minutes or less . Sometimes, however, I need to burp her in the middle of the feeding or stop and switch her to the other side. When I do this, she has the tendency to cry and fuss and generally express extreme unhappiness that she is not currently chugging milk. The other day I was feeding her, and switching her to the other side and I told her (yes I talk to her all the live long day) "Noelle! For your entire life there has been food when you needed it, what makes you think today would be any different?"
THEN
GOD
SPOKE
I myself had spent my very own week freaking out about money. Worrying that perhaps someday very soon we would default on a payment, OR not be able to buy diapers, OR the car would break down and the repairs would be more than our emergency fund plus the savings we have to sustain us until I start getting a paycheck again.
"Leanne, you've been alive for 27 years. Have you ever gone hungry, without transportation, or had your household poop needs unmet?
Scripture tells us
We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. 12 In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13 Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. ~Hebrews 5:11-14
To which I responded: "Wow God, please teach me more through Motherhood"
You see like my daughter freaks out when she stops eating for a nanosecond and is still hungry, so I when I see a potential problem in the distance or spill a drop of faith because of some small bump in the road act out like chicken little. It's NOT GOING TO BE OKAY! The sky is FALLING! The ROOF is caving in, The bottom has fallen out and this will end me!
But I am NOT an infant
I am 27 years of sustained healthy well-loved adult woman.
Who still freaks out with a "It's not going to be okay" mentality
This my friends is a value I do not want to pass on.
Dear Lord please be with me in this... help me to rise above it and show my children that you are the giver and sustainer, you are the LORD our God, and it will forever and always be more than just okay. Help me becomer a spiritual steak and taffy eater (you see these things take time to chew) so that my daugther sees it and follows in my footsteps.
And all Gods people, or at least this one said: AMEN.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Home Again Home Again
Well here I am in Michigan. I am enjoying a cup of coffee in a hoodie with the slider door open. The morning is nice and crisp and I am in my element. I am centered and there are so many paths I could go down today. The most likely of which is to the mall and lunch with my best friend Becky. I even have spending money in the budget. Wonderful eh?
The trip is going really well so far and I am just taking deep breaths and not letting my Mom or family get to me too much in a negative way. So my Moms house is messy and yes there is usually rotten food in the fridge but I've had multiple freak outs about it and it never does any good really. So might as well just deal with it and throw out the moldy hot dogs at the back by the 3rd jar of grape jelly and stop trying to figure out why my Mother and I are so drastically un alike.
It has been so good to see family and to make plans to share meals with people we love and watch them hold our baby and enjoy her simple beauty. Although after nine months of carrying her, perhaps her beauty is crazy complicated? I love her more and more each day. She is so laid back! She cries when she is hungry or has a dirty diaper or the two times I accidentally pinched her a bit with the car seat buckle. (For which I felt like the worst mom ever...) When we eat dinner she just sits and looks at us and at the lights above the table. Like she's part of the dinner conversation only she talks with her eyes and not her vocal chords... yet!
This town still feels like me, like I belong here. Don't get my wrong because Ada is better than I can imagine and the people that live there are a gift in my life. But when I drive these roads and pull into these parking spots and walk these streets and eat this food and have these conversations... I feel so safe, so unquestionable. No one could say I don't belong, no one can tear me down here, I am a fortress in Michigan, I am supported by so many people who love me so much. This feeling, this sense of belonging, it's so strong. Time and miles struggle to take it away. Will we end up here someday? I don't dare venture an opinion. For now I can tell you with a million percent assurance that Ada is where we live, and undoubtedly where we need to be living. And that my friends is enough for today.
The trip is going really well so far and I am just taking deep breaths and not letting my Mom or family get to me too much in a negative way. So my Moms house is messy and yes there is usually rotten food in the fridge but I've had multiple freak outs about it and it never does any good really. So might as well just deal with it and throw out the moldy hot dogs at the back by the 3rd jar of grape jelly and stop trying to figure out why my Mother and I are so drastically un alike.
It has been so good to see family and to make plans to share meals with people we love and watch them hold our baby and enjoy her simple beauty. Although after nine months of carrying her, perhaps her beauty is crazy complicated? I love her more and more each day. She is so laid back! She cries when she is hungry or has a dirty diaper or the two times I accidentally pinched her a bit with the car seat buckle. (For which I felt like the worst mom ever...) When we eat dinner she just sits and looks at us and at the lights above the table. Like she's part of the dinner conversation only she talks with her eyes and not her vocal chords... yet!
This town still feels like me, like I belong here. Don't get my wrong because Ada is better than I can imagine and the people that live there are a gift in my life. But when I drive these roads and pull into these parking spots and walk these streets and eat this food and have these conversations... I feel so safe, so unquestionable. No one could say I don't belong, no one can tear me down here, I am a fortress in Michigan, I am supported by so many people who love me so much. This feeling, this sense of belonging, it's so strong. Time and miles struggle to take it away. Will we end up here someday? I don't dare venture an opinion. For now I can tell you with a million percent assurance that Ada is where we live, and undoubtedly where we need to be living. And that my friends is enough for today.
Friday, June 12, 2009
First Friday Family Night
Well hey there from the middle of Friday night family time at the Penny household. I suppose I'm not being a good Mom blogging and netting in the middle of it, but Kel has the bean and Two movies in a row is hard for a busy-bee like me. We had pizza and ice cream, Noelle will get some later by proxy... ya know. Right now we are watching Desperaux and we just finished Fantasic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer.
Motherhood is pretty good, the only real issue we are having is Noelle's weight. We switched to a Pediatrician today and he got her back on the ol scale. She is 3 weeks and 3 days and still 9oz below her birthweight. Additionally she has lost weight but grown 1.5 inches. So the dr said this is concerning, not alarming, but concerning. I hate that we're having this struggle. I am doing my best with feeding her (although middle of the night feedings are sort of hazy) But It'll be okay. I'd just rather not be having this concern at all.
Life is going to get pretty crazy coming up here. Sunday evening we leave for two weeks in Oklahoma City and then a few days after that we leave for two weeks in Michigan. For a time this was stressing me out but I am trying to make my peace with it.
Having a baby is such a huge event, I feel like I am missing out on the spiritual beauty of it because I am wrapped up too much in the details. I need to turn the TV off more, spend more time learning her, I feel like feeding her is a dance between the two of us and we need to learn each other. I feel like my blogs are so disjointed, sorry, focus isn't there right now but there are small fireflies of truth, I Just gotta grab up and use them to light up life.
Alright back to family night.
Motherhood is pretty good, the only real issue we are having is Noelle's weight. We switched to a Pediatrician today and he got her back on the ol scale. She is 3 weeks and 3 days and still 9oz below her birthweight. Additionally she has lost weight but grown 1.5 inches. So the dr said this is concerning, not alarming, but concerning. I hate that we're having this struggle. I am doing my best with feeding her (although middle of the night feedings are sort of hazy) But It'll be okay. I'd just rather not be having this concern at all.
Life is going to get pretty crazy coming up here. Sunday evening we leave for two weeks in Oklahoma City and then a few days after that we leave for two weeks in Michigan. For a time this was stressing me out but I am trying to make my peace with it.
Having a baby is such a huge event, I feel like I am missing out on the spiritual beauty of it because I am wrapped up too much in the details. I need to turn the TV off more, spend more time learning her, I feel like feeding her is a dance between the two of us and we need to learn each other. I feel like my blogs are so disjointed, sorry, focus isn't there right now but there are small fireflies of truth, I Just gotta grab up and use them to light up life.
Alright back to family night.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
First mom-blog
Believe it or not, this is not the first time I've tried to blog since Noelle's arrival. I am doing so great, and loving motherhood and really everything that comes with. We have been home from the hospital two weeks today, and Noelle is two days more than two weeks old (16 days for those of you who can't read my typed math) I was so worried about postpartum depression given my families history of depression and anxiety but so far no sign of it. I am really doing well, not that I pretend everything is perfect or that we are in the clear for any of it but so far God has given me the grace for each day and that's all I am asking for :-)
There are so many people out there, who read this blog and who don't that I wish I could introduce to our lovely baby girl who is snuggling on my lap, but I am so thankful for the communication options we have in place.
So my days are all Mom ish now, and I am at home a lot, a lot a lot. I am still recovering from major surgery I know but I want my energy levels back NOW, I need them more than ever now. But I have to have patience, boo patience. We went to WalMart but that wore us out two days ago, 20 minutes in walmart put me flat on my back. So that's what I am working with right now. Not typical for Leanne at all.
Not to mention that in two days my Mom comes, then we go to Oklahoma city for nearly two weeks. Then a few days after we get back from that we go to Michigan for two weeks. Wow, then it's middle of July. I am not ready for the busy-ness of that.
Well I should go continue to be productive. Hi from my patch of Oklahoma to you, enjoy your day.
There are so many people out there, who read this blog and who don't that I wish I could introduce to our lovely baby girl who is snuggling on my lap, but I am so thankful for the communication options we have in place.
So my days are all Mom ish now, and I am at home a lot, a lot a lot. I am still recovering from major surgery I know but I want my energy levels back NOW, I need them more than ever now. But I have to have patience, boo patience. We went to WalMart but that wore us out two days ago, 20 minutes in walmart put me flat on my back. So that's what I am working with right now. Not typical for Leanne at all.
Not to mention that in two days my Mom comes, then we go to Oklahoma city for nearly two weeks. Then a few days after we get back from that we go to Michigan for two weeks. Wow, then it's middle of July. I am not ready for the busy-ness of that.
Well I should go continue to be productive. Hi from my patch of Oklahoma to you, enjoy your day.
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