Monday, September 26, 2011

I want to be bundt cake

I didn't proof read so if you're anal about that, read at your own risk.  And then volunteer to be my pro-bono editor.  

Confession:  Sometimes I censor myself on this blog, and insert a little more optimism than I am really feeling.  I don't want anyone who is struggling to feel like I gave them permission to go off the deep end, or falter in their belief that God is crazy faithful.  He is times a trillion.  

But somehow I forgot that I am not the only voice speaking to people.  God doesn't need me to inspire or encourage people, nor am I solely responsible for how people behave as a result of reading what I write.  God doesn't need me, but I am thrilled that he uses me.  I just want to be of use to him.  

On that note, I have been pretty discouraged this past week.  I have been experiencing a lot of discouragement from inside of me and coupled with a bit of discouragement from around me, I often feel like sitting on my couch like a puddle of jello.  Maybe not even jello, jello jiggles and keeps a pretty constant motion, I want to sit on my couch like... bundt cake.  It has a nice crusty outside and doesn't move unless you move it.

Science:  A bundt cake NOT in motion will stay NOT in motion unless another force acts upon it.

Crusty, stationary bundt cake.  It doesn't jiggle at all, it stays put.  
The truth of the matter is that as the anniversary of my Mom's death approaches the shade of my attitude gets a little closer to gray.  But blah, I don't want to be down, I would rather reject the pain, proclaim that I am a fighter and "ain't nothing gonna get me down."  Pretending to have it all together is easier in some ways but it always bites you in the end.  Somewhere inside God is whispering to me that he is using my struggle in big ways.  He wants my real and dirty approach to grieving to be used as an example, to help give others the permission to do the same.  At least I think that's part of what he is calling me.  So I am going to operate under that philosophy.

I am coming to terms with the fact that this next month is going to be hard, and I am listening for God's voice on what would be a healthy approach to moving through it.  I know that pretending it's all good isn't it.  I know sitting depressed on my couch and watching entire seasons of TV and eating bowl after bowl of cereal isn't it either.  It's something else, and I am on the watch for it.

So I will use this space to be honest about it.  To process through it, and to help God speak through me.  More than I want to be needed or exalted by God, I want to be used by God.  If right now he is using me to help other people learn to grieve then yes.  I guess I want that.  

And also now I sort of want bundt cake.  Pumpkin or Apple preferably.  Stupid weight watchers...

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